Breaking Family Ties Is Haraam: 13 Islamic Teachings on Silah-Rihmi

Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ has said in the Holy Quran:

وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالْأَرْحَامَ

Fear Allah in Whose name you ask (your rights from one another) and be mindful of your (blood) relationships.

[Kanz-ul-Iman (Translation of Quran)] (Part 4, An-Nisa, verse 1)

Regarding the foregoing verse, it is stated in Tafseer Mazhari: That is, refrain from breaking off relations.

(Tafseer Mazhari, vol. 2, pp. 3)

Seven sayings of the Holy Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَاٰلِهِ وَسَلَّمَ

1.     One believing in Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ and the Judgement Day should treat relatives with kindness.

(Sahih Bukhari, vol. 4, pp. 136, Hadees 6138)

2.     On the Day of Judgement, three types of people will be under the shade of the ‘Arsh of Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ. One who treats relatives with kindness (will be among them).

(Al-Firdaus bima Saur-ul-Khattab, vol. 2, pp. 99, Hadees 2526)

3.     The one who breaks off relations will not enter Heaven.

(Sahih Bukhari, vol. 4, pp. 97, Hadees 5984)

4.     The best among all people is the one who recites the Holy Quran in abundance, adopts more piety, calls [people] towards righteousness and prevents [them] from evils the most and treats his relatives with kindness the most.’

(Musnad Imam Ahmad, vol. 10, pp. 402, Hadees 27504)

5.     Without doubt, the most preferred Sadaqah is the one that is given to a relative who holds concealed enmity.

(Ibid, vol. 9, pp. 138, Hadees 23589)

6.     If there is a relation-severing person among a community, mercy of Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ does not descend there.

(Az-Zawajir, vol. 2, pp. 153)

7.     One who likes that a palace for him be built in Heaven and that his ranks be raised, should forgive the one who oppresses him, bestow the one who deprives him, and establishes relation with one who breaks relations with him.

(Al Mustadrak, vol. 3, pp. 12, Hadees 3215)

·        Sayyiduna Faqih Abul Lays Samarqandi عَلَيْهِ رَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَالْقَوِى has stated: There are ten virtues of treating relatives with kindness: It brings about the pleasure of Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ. It pleases people. It delights angels. It earns you praise from Muslims. It upsets Satan. It increases age. It brings blessings in sustenance. It pleases the deceased forefathers (i.e. the Muslim father and grandfather). It fosters harmony. It increases reward after demise because people make Du’a for such a person.

(Tanbih-ul-Ghafileen, pp. 73)

·        It is stated on pages 558 to 560 of the 3rd volume of the 1196-page book Bahar-e-Shari’at published by Maktaba-tul-Madinah, publishing department of Dawat-e-Islami: صِلَةِ رَحِم (Silah-Rihm) implies establishing relations, i.e. doing relatives any favour and treating them with kindness. The entire Ummah is agreed that Silah-Rihm is Wajib and breaking off relations is Haraam. Which are the relatives that must be treated with kindness as a Wajib obligation? Some scholars have stated that they are ‘Zu-Rihm Mahram’ and some other stated that they are Zu-Rihm relatives regardless of whether they are Mahram or not. Apparently,the latter ruling is more accurate. Ahadees contain an unconditional order of treating relatives with kindness. The Holy Quran also unconditionally stated ذَوِى الْقُرْبَى (i.e. the relatives).

However, as there are different levels of relations, there are also different levels of treating relatives with kindness. Parents have the greatest status. After them is the status of ‘Zu-Rihm Mahram’ (i.e. the relatives marriage is Haraam with forever due to Nasabi [i.e. genealogical] relation with them). After them is the status of the rest of relatives, depending upon how close relationship they have.

(Rad-dul-Muhtar, vol. 9, pp. 678)

·        One can treat his relatives with kindness in different ways. For example, giving them gifts, providing them help if they need it, saying Salam to them, meeting them, talking to them and treating them gracefully and nicely.

(Durad, vol. 1, pp. 323)

·        If a person is in a foreign country, he should remain in correspondence with his relatives so that relationship is not broken off. If possible, he should come to his country so that ties with his relatives are strengthened. This will also develop harmony among relatives.

(Rad-dul-Muhtar, vol. 9, pp. 678)

(Phoning relatives or staying in contact with them by the internet is also very useful.)

·        Kind treatment does not only mean treating those relatives kindly who have treated you kindly. This is actually an ‘exchange of treatment’. For example, sending a gift to the relative who has sent you a gift or going to the house of one who comes to yours. In actual fact, kind treatment means establishing ties with one who cuts off ties with you and caring about the relative who ignores you and stays away from you. (Ibid)

In order to learn thousands of Sunnahs, buy and read the two books published by Maktaba-tul-Madinah:

(1) Bahar-e-Shari’at part 16 containing 312 pages (2) Sunnatayn aur Adaab containing 120 pages. Another excellent way to learn Sunnahs is to travel with Madani Qafilahs of Dawat-e-Islami with the devotees of Rasool.

Lootnay rahmatayn Qafilay mayn chalo

Seekhnay Sunnatayn Qafilay mayn chalo

Haun gi hal mushkilayn Qafilay mayn chalo

Khatm haun shamatayn Qafilay mayn chalo

صَلُّوا عَلَى الْحَبِيب صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالٰى عَلٰى مُحَمَّد

In conclusion, Islam places great importance on maintaining good relationships with relatives and strongly discourages breaking family ties. Silah-Rihmi is not merely a social custom; it is an important Islamic responsibility that brings the pleasure and mercy of Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ. The Holy Quran and blessed Ahadees repeatedly encourage Muslims to treat their relatives with kindness, support them in times of need, forgive their mistakes and maintain relationships even when difficulties arise.

A true Muslim should not limit kindness only to those relatives who behave kindly in return. Real Silah-Rihmi means making an effort to maintain relationships even with those who ignore us, distance themselves from us or have treated us unfairly, provided there is no Shar'i reason to avoid them. Visiting relatives, greeting them with Salam, communicating with them, helping them financially or emotionally, giving gifts and showing compassion are all means of strengthening family bonds.

We should especially remember that parents have a very high status, followed by close relatives and other family members according to the closeness of their relationship. If misunderstandings or disputes arise, we should avoid stubbornness and take the initiative to reconcile whenever possible. Forgiveness and patience can transform disagreement into love and restore harmony within families.

In today's world, distance, busy lifestyles and misunderstandings can easily weaken family relationships. However, modern means of communication such as phone calls and the internet can be used positively to remain connected with relatives who live far away.

Therefore, let us make a sincere intention to abandon hatred, jealousy and unnecessary disputes and develop the habit of Silah-Rihmi. May Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ grant us the ability to respect our relatives, forgive their shortcomings, maintain broken relationships and fulfil the rights of our family members. May He bless our homes with love, mercy and harmony and grant us the strength to follow the teachings of the Holy Quran and Sunnah. آمين.

Islamic Manners: Reconciliation, Family Rights, Neighbours and the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ

A way of breaking off relations and reconciliation

·        Turning down a relative's request for help when they are in need is like breaking ties with them, and severing relations is Haram.

·        Kind treatment means establishing ties with one who cuts off ties with you and caring about the relative who ignores you.

·        If there is any dispute between you and any of your relatives, you should be the first to contact them and achieve reconciliation whole-heartedly, even if they are at fault (unless prevented by a Shar'i reason).

Excellence of stroking the head of an orphan

A non-pubescent boy or girl whose father has passed away is known as an orphan. As soon as they reach puberty, the rulings of the orphan no longer apply. The Prophet of Rahmah صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم said:

"The one who strokes an orphan's head merely for the pleasure of Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ will get reward for every hair that he stroked. And the one who does any orphan boy or girl a favour, I and he will be together in Heaven like this (i.e. these two fingers meeting each other)."

(Musnad Imam Ahmad, vol. 8, pp. 272, Hadees 22215)

Stroking the head of an orphan and feeding the Miskeen remove the hardness of heart. If a boy is an orphan, stroke his head bringing the hand to the front; if the father is alive, stroke his head bringing the hand towards his neck.

Try to maintain relation with wife

A husband should treat his wife nicely and deal with her wisely. Our Beloved Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم said:

"Woman has been created from a rib and you cannot straighten her. If you wish to get benefit from her, you can do so with her crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her and breaking a woman means divorcing her."

(Sahih Muslim, pp. 775, Hadees 1468)

·        Gentleness towards wife: A true believer is one who has a nice character and is the most gentle with his wife.

·        Forgive wife: To use brute force and threats against a naturally weak woman is not manliness. If she makes a mistake, forgive her.

"A Muslim male can never have enmity for a Muslim female. If he dislikes any of her habits, he may find any other habit to be pleasing."

(Sahih Muslim, pp. 775, Hadees 1469)

Rights of the husband

The wife should behave courteously towards her husband. The Holy Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم said:

"I swear to the One under Whose Omnipotence my life is! If there are wounds in the entire body of the husband from foot to head, from which pus and pus-mixed blood ooze out, and the woman licks them, still she has not fulfilled the right of the husband."

(Musnad Imam Ahmad, vol. 4, pp. 318, Hadees 12614)

·        Do not leave the home of the husband: The wife must not leave her husband's house without his permission. If she does so unnecessarily, Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ and His angels curse her unless she repents or returns.

·        Cause of most women being in Hell: The Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم mentioned seeing most women in Hell because they often curse and are ungrateful to their husbands.

The rights of neighbours

Everyone should treat their neighbours nicely and respectfully unless there is a valid Shar'i reason. A person asked the Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم how to know if they did something right or wrong. The Prophet replied:

"When you hear your neighbours saying that you have done something right, you have done right. And when you hear them saying that you have done wrong, you have done wrong."

(Ibn Majah, vol. 4, pp. 479, Hadees 4223)

Qafila Etiquettes and Social Conducts

·        Qualities of Ameer-e-Qafilah: The Ameer in a journey should respect and serve his companions the most.

·        Share spare goods: Whoever has a spare means of transport or spare food should give it to the one without it.

·        Subordinates: Each of you is a supervisor and will be questioned about your subordinates.

·        Delegation of tasks: Instead of placing the entire burden on one person, tasks should be distributed among travelers.

·        Offering seats: Travelers should take turns sitting and standing, and offer seats to others.

·        Space management: Do not occupy too much space to distress others. It is Sunnah for seated people to make space for a newcomer.

·        Whispering & Gathering rules: If there are three persons, two should not talk secretly leaving the third. Do not jump over necks on Friday during Jumu'ah. Do not barge in between two seated people without permission.

Don't hurt anyone's feelings

The Muslim's respect demands us to fulfil the rights of every Muslim at any cost. We must not hurt the feelings of any Muslim without Shari' permission. Our Beloved Rasool صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم never hurt the feelings of any Muslim, never taunted, mocked, snubbed, or insulted anyone, but embraced everybody with affection.

46 Blessed Manners of the Holy Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم (Summarized)

1.     Protected his blessed tongue and talked only when necessary.

2.     Treated people affectionately and never did anything causing hatred.

3.     Honoured the respected person of a nation and appointed him leader.

4.     Always advised people to fear Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ.

5.     Always asked after the blessed companions رَضِيَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى عَنْهُم.

6.     Praised positive talks and condemned evil.

7.     Dealt with every matter moderately.

8.     Never neglectful of people's reform.

9.     Always engaged in the Zikr of Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ.

10. Sat wherever he found a place and advised others to do the same.

11. Fulfilled the rights of people sitting beside him.

12. Everyone in his company felt he loved them the most.

13. Would not end a conversation until the other person left.

14. When shaking hands, did not withdraw his hand first.

15. Always helped the needy.

16. Treated everyone generously and politely.

17. Gathering of knowledge, tolerance, modesty, patience, and trust.

18. Peaceful gathering where nobody was disgraced.

19. Mistakes in gatherings were never exposed or spread.

20. Paid complete attention while talking to someone.

21. Would not stare fixedly at anyone's face.

22. Shyer than a virgin girl.

23. Always said Salam first.

24. Said Salam to children as well.

25. Said Labbayk when called.

26. Never stretched his legs towards people in a gathering.

27. Often sat facing the Qiblah.

28. Never took revenge for personal reasons.

29. Always forgave those who distressed him.

30. Apart from Jihad, never hit anyone with his hands (not wives or slaves). 31–37. Spoke gently, never screamed, never spoke harshly, never blamed people, not a miser, avoided quarrelling/arrogance/unnecessary activities, never found faults. 38–46. Spoke only for reward, patient with strangers, never interrupted anyone, simple seating arrangements, never laughed loudly, but smiled the most.

Teach Children Good Manners and Maintain Family Ties According to Islam

Teach manners to your offspring

Parents should also pay ample attention to the fulfilment of their children's rights. Instead of making them 'modern', they should try to make their children follow Sunnah, teach them good manners, keep them away from a bad company and make them join Sunnah-inspiring Madani environment. They should prevent them from indulging in bad habits such as watching films & dramas, participating in sinful customs and traditions in which music is played, making people negligent from the remembrance of Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ.

These days, parents perhaps consider it the most important right of their children to provide them with proper education along with any skill and expertise whereby they could earn a living. Alas! The body and the clothes of the child are saved from dirt but no effort is made for the purification of his heart and deeds. The Beloved and Blessed Prophet صَلَّى اللَّهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم said:

"It is better for a person to teach his children manners than to give one Saa' (i.e. approx. 4 kilogram of grain) in charity."

(Sunan-ut-Tirmizi, vol. 3, pp. 382, Hadees 1958)

He صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم also said:

"No father gave anything to his child better than good manners."

(Ibid, vol. 3, pp. 383, Hadees 1959)

A reason for failing to maintain Madani environment at home

Regretfully, there is no Madani environment in most of our homes these days and we are ourselves responsible for this situation to a great extent. Our joking, mocking, discourtesy, bad manners, and extreme carelessness are the causes of this situation. Some of our Islamic brothers behave towards others very politely and humbly but they 'roar' like a fierce lion at home. This results in damaging one's prestige in home.

Remember! Your misbehaviour is a very big hurdle in the rectification of your family. Beware! If you do not improve your character and don't make efforts humbly and politely for the reform of your family, you may end up in the damnation of Hell. Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ says in the Holy Quran, part 28, Surah At-Tahrim, verse 6:

يَأَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ

O believers, save yourselves and your family from the fire whose fuel are men and stones.

(Part 28, Surah At-Tahrim, verse 6)

How shall we save our family members from Hell?

Regarding the foregoing verse, it is stated in Khaza'in-ul-'Irfan: "(Protect yourselves and your families from the fire of Hell) by obeying Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ and His Beloved Prophet صَلَّى اللَّهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم, performing worship, refraining from sins, guiding your family members towards goodness and forbidding them from evils and by teaching them knowledge and etiquettes."

Respect of relatives

All relatives should be treated nicely. Sayyiduna Aasim رَضِيَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى عَنْهُ narrated that the Prophet of Rahmah صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم said:

"Whoever wants a long life, increase in his sustenance and protection from bad death, should continue to fear Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ and treat his relatives with kindness."

(Al-Mustadrak, vol. 5, pp. 222, Hadees 7362)

The Beloved and Blessed Prophet صَلَّى اللهُ تَعَالَى عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّم said:

"The one who breaks off relations will not enter Heaven."

(Sahih Bukhari, vol. 4, pp. 97, Hadees 5984)

Madani Pearls of Kind Treatment with Relatives

Meaning of Silah Rihmi [kind treatment]

It is stated on pages 201 to 203 of the sixteenth part of Bahar-e-Shari'at, a 312-page publication of Maktaba-tul-Madinah (the publishing department of Dawat-e-Islami): Silah-Rihm implies establishing relations, i.e. doing relatives any favour and treating them with kindness. The entire Ummah is agreed that Silah-Rihm [i.e. kind treatment with relatives] is Wajib and breaking off relations is Haraam.

It is Wajib to treat certain relatives with kindness

Which are the relatives that must be treated with kindness as a Wajib obligation? Some scholars have stated that they are 'Zu-Rihm Mahram' and some other stated that they are Zu-Rihm relatives regardless of whether they are Mahram or not. Apparently, the latter ruling is more accurate. Ahadees contain an unconditional order of treating relatives with kindness. The Holy Quran also unconditionally stated ذَوِي الْقُرْبَى (the relatives).

However, as there are different levels of relations, there are also different levels of treating relatives with kindness. Parents have the greatest status. After them is the status of 'Zu-Rihm Mahram' (i.e. the relatives with whom marriage is Haraam forever due to Nasabi [i.e. genealogical] relation with them). After them is the status of the rest of relatives, depending upon how close relationship they have.

(Rad-dul-Muhtar, vol. 9, pp. 678)

What do 'Zu-Rihm Mahram' and 'Zu-Rihm' imply?

Allah عَزَّوَجَلَّ said in the 83rd verse of Surah Al-Baqarah:

وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا وَذِي الْقُرْبى

(And be kind to parents and relatives).

Commenting on this verse, a renowned commentator, Hakeem-ul-Ummat, Mufti Ahmad Yar Khan عَلَيْهِ رَحْمَةُ اللهِ الْحَنَّان has stated in Tafseer-e-Na'eemi:

·        First piece of advice: Zil-Qurba are those relatives whose relationship is created by means of parental relationship and they are also called Zi-Rihm. There are three categories of them: First, relatives of the father (paternal grandfather, grandmother, uncles, aunts). Second, relatives of the mother (maternal grandfather, grandmother, uncles, aunts, stepbrothers/sisters with same mother). Third, relatives of both parents (real brothers/sisters).

·        Second piece of advice: There are two categories of relatives: Under one category fall those Nikah is Haraam with, called Zi-Rihm Mahram (e.g., father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, paternal/maternal uncles and aunts, nephew, niece). It is Fard to help them in their hour of need. Under the other category fall those Nikah is Halal with (offspring of paternal/maternal uncles and aunts); it is Sunnah Muakkadah to treat them with kindness.

·        Third piece of advice: Distant in-laws are not included in Zi-Rihm, though some are Mahram (like mother-in-law or foster mother).

What should one do if relatives are in other countries?

If a person is in a foreign country, he should remain in correspondence with his relatives so that relationship is not broken off. If possible, he should come to his country so that ties with his relatives are strengthened. In modern times, one can easily contact relatives by e-mail, phone, or internet to enhance love.